You know we've all been there. I'm ready for a change, in many parts of my life, yes. But the change I'm writing about today is a little different. Women out there, most of you know what I mean. I want a new hairstyle, maybe even change up the color a bit.
There's just something about changes like this in your appearance that can make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself and how you take on the world around you in general. When you think about it, it seems like a petty thing that should hardly matter. To some, maybe it wouldn't, but I know I'm not alone when I say this is the way I feel.
I've done some research, looking in magazines, online and any other place to find ideas and feel like I'm ready to take the step.
I agree, this is a light-hearted thing to post a blog about, but it's what is on my mind today. I have many goals for the new year and things that I'm excited to begin to pursue, things I've pushed back and labeled as only dreams. Watch out...the new me is about to emerge with a new found confidence!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Changes
Posted by Melissa at 10:52 AM
Monday, January 4, 2010
A (very) short story I'd like to share
Hope
The relationship had been turbulent, not an ideal one by far. At least living in the same city made it seem possible.
After their divorce, trying to rebuild had been like looking for all the pieces to a puzzle tossed from a twelve story building. Too many small and petty reasons were always in the way. It was often feasible to keep things together for a week or two, then the monster of their past would raise its ugly head. This was a sick cycle they were living, but she continued on with hope for someday. After all, they both agreed on one thing, they had gotten their divorce much too hastily.
Her hope came crashing down when he took a new job in New York City. This news made the fall weather feel even more dark and gloomy. How could he just leave her here alone? Maybe the distance would be good for them. So many thoughts raced in her mind. All she knew was that this would be the end of their life as they knew it. Even though it wasn’t the life they wanted, she wasn’t ready to give it up, and as long as he lived here in Chicago there was hope for the two of them. He consoled her by asking her to come to New York to visit him after he got settled in. Again, she could claim hope, small hope yes, but there was hope.
The holidays brought happy times. They shared a couple of visits that felt promising. They rang in the New Year together, with a resolution to see each other even more. In the back of her mind, she could envision a possible move in the year to come.
The trips to New York brought a new excitement into her life. The time they spent together now had a spark and was something to not be taken for granted. At the same time, when she was back home in Chicago there was an emptiness almost unbearable. Knowing he was miles away made the busy city feel lifeless. She wondered how he felt when they were apart. How long could this go on? She decided that on her next visit, a heart to heart conversation was due. This had been their way of life for eight months and something was going to have to change. She enjoyed visiting him, but couldn’t help feeling hurt that he never offered to visit her. He always had an excuse for not being able to come to Chicago. Did this mean more to her than to him?
She arrived at the airport excited as always but this time also with nervousness. This issue had to be addressed. Of course she was scared of what he may say. She could put off the discussion for fear of what change this could mean, but there had to be an end to this somehow, whether it be good or bad she would soon find out. What if he was content with living this way? He was going to have to give a little more. Would he want her to move there? What if he didn’t ask her? Was she strong enough to stand her ground, give it all up and finally go on with her life in Chicago without him?
She would be leaving for home the next day and still hadn’t brought it up. Tonight would be the night. She prepared a candlelight dinner and had champagne on ice, the kind they had at their wedding. After dinner she explained her feelings to him, almost holding her breath as she did. His answer stung her ears. He was not yet willing to move forward in their relationship. Typical of him, he was afraid to take any risks. Of course there was no guarantee they could make it work this time. She just wanted to be together all the time so they could give it an honest try. Things had been going so much better. The distance had made them both realize they only wanted each other and that all relationships require effort. This was such an insult. She was the one willing to pick up, move, and find a new job to be with him. How could he be satisfied with this kind of life? As painful as it was to say, she told him there would be no more trips, no more phone calls. In her eyes, it was all a waste if it wasn’t leading to something more. He thought this was absurd. He thought she was making this decision too quickly. She told him this was something she had given much thought to and she intended to follow through. The rest of the evening was quiet and uncomfortable. What else was there to say? She was not willing to continue this way and he would not make a change or compromise. The only thing left were two people, hurt and broken. She cried the night away.
The flight home felt longer than usual and despite the fact she hadn’t slept a wink the night before, she was still wide awake. She was numb and all cried out. She was aware that when she stepped off the plane, she would be stepping into a new life. After so many years with him a part of her existence, now he would only be a part of her past. This was the only way to move forward.
The first few weeks went by like living in a fog, like a bad dream she should wake up from. She had to fight back the urges to call him or send an email. It was even more difficult to not pick up the phone when he called. A month went by with no communication at all. It was the weekend and she was again home by herself. There was a knock at her door. She wasn’t expecting anyone. She went to the door to find a delivery of a dozen long stemmed red roses. The card attached simply read, “I miss you”. She began to cry. How strong could she be and for how long? She missed him so badly. It would be so easy to fall back into the routine they had been living. She remembered the last night they spent together, the last kiss. It was hard to decide which was worse, living without him, or living without the promise of a future.
Another month passed. It had now been a year since he moved away. Since she didn’t take his phone calls, he continued to send emails. She didn’t respond, but at least she could read how he was doing. She knew, for her own good, she shouldn’t be reading the messages at all. He asked her over and over to consider coming to visit him again. Once again, he expected her to be the one to visit him and he sacrifices nothing. The temptation was high, but somehow she continued to hold out.
Finally, the day came when something happened she never thought would happen. She received a card in the mail from him. On the front of the card was a post-it note that said “There are 5 emergency $100 bills in my closet for a plane ticket to Chicago the day you say let’s get back in touch”. She smiled and cried in disbelief that he was willing to come to her this time. What was written inside the card shocked her even more. Inside, he explained how he didn’t want to live without her anymore. He admitted he had been too scared for her to move to New York, afraid that if she were there, things would go back to the way they were when they both lived in Chicago. Their visits were always so much fun and there was no fighting. He didn’t want to spoil that. He told her after thinking it through, he realized he was ready to put forth the effort to make their relationship work everyday, not just every visit, and he wanted her to live with him. Not just in New York, but with him in his new home. He wanted to come to Chicago to help her pack and move her back with him. These words were everything she had wanted to hear for so long now. She called him on the phone and said the five words, “Let’s get back in touch”. She began to laugh and cry at the same time. He told her just how much he loved her and how he had missed her so much. He asked “Is tomorrow too soon?“ She cried “Tomorrow isn’t soon enough!“ Both in tears they said goodbye, excited about what a huge step they had just taken for their love.
The next day he arrived at her apartment with roses in hand. When she opened the door, all her dreams came true. On one knee, he handed her the roses, then opened a jewelry box and asked her to marry him. She began crying and said yes. He held her tight and told her that this time it would be forever and they would never be apart again.
Sometimes having hope makes all the difference.
by Gabriellah
The relationship had been turbulent, not an ideal one by far. At least living in the same city made it seem possible.
After their divorce, trying to rebuild had been like looking for all the pieces to a puzzle tossed from a twelve story building. Too many small and petty reasons were always in the way. It was often feasible to keep things together for a week or two, then the monster of their past would raise its ugly head. This was a sick cycle they were living, but she continued on with hope for someday. After all, they both agreed on one thing, they had gotten their divorce much too hastily.
Her hope came crashing down when he took a new job in New York City. This news made the fall weather feel even more dark and gloomy. How could he just leave her here alone? Maybe the distance would be good for them. So many thoughts raced in her mind. All she knew was that this would be the end of their life as they knew it. Even though it wasn’t the life they wanted, she wasn’t ready to give it up, and as long as he lived here in Chicago there was hope for the two of them. He consoled her by asking her to come to New York to visit him after he got settled in. Again, she could claim hope, small hope yes, but there was hope.
The holidays brought happy times. They shared a couple of visits that felt promising. They rang in the New Year together, with a resolution to see each other even more. In the back of her mind, she could envision a possible move in the year to come.
The trips to New York brought a new excitement into her life. The time they spent together now had a spark and was something to not be taken for granted. At the same time, when she was back home in Chicago there was an emptiness almost unbearable. Knowing he was miles away made the busy city feel lifeless. She wondered how he felt when they were apart. How long could this go on? She decided that on her next visit, a heart to heart conversation was due. This had been their way of life for eight months and something was going to have to change. She enjoyed visiting him, but couldn’t help feeling hurt that he never offered to visit her. He always had an excuse for not being able to come to Chicago. Did this mean more to her than to him?
She arrived at the airport excited as always but this time also with nervousness. This issue had to be addressed. Of course she was scared of what he may say. She could put off the discussion for fear of what change this could mean, but there had to be an end to this somehow, whether it be good or bad she would soon find out. What if he was content with living this way? He was going to have to give a little more. Would he want her to move there? What if he didn’t ask her? Was she strong enough to stand her ground, give it all up and finally go on with her life in Chicago without him?
She would be leaving for home the next day and still hadn’t brought it up. Tonight would be the night. She prepared a candlelight dinner and had champagne on ice, the kind they had at their wedding. After dinner she explained her feelings to him, almost holding her breath as she did. His answer stung her ears. He was not yet willing to move forward in their relationship. Typical of him, he was afraid to take any risks. Of course there was no guarantee they could make it work this time. She just wanted to be together all the time so they could give it an honest try. Things had been going so much better. The distance had made them both realize they only wanted each other and that all relationships require effort. This was such an insult. She was the one willing to pick up, move, and find a new job to be with him. How could he be satisfied with this kind of life? As painful as it was to say, she told him there would be no more trips, no more phone calls. In her eyes, it was all a waste if it wasn’t leading to something more. He thought this was absurd. He thought she was making this decision too quickly. She told him this was something she had given much thought to and she intended to follow through. The rest of the evening was quiet and uncomfortable. What else was there to say? She was not willing to continue this way and he would not make a change or compromise. The only thing left were two people, hurt and broken. She cried the night away.
The flight home felt longer than usual and despite the fact she hadn’t slept a wink the night before, she was still wide awake. She was numb and all cried out. She was aware that when she stepped off the plane, she would be stepping into a new life. After so many years with him a part of her existence, now he would only be a part of her past. This was the only way to move forward.
The first few weeks went by like living in a fog, like a bad dream she should wake up from. She had to fight back the urges to call him or send an email. It was even more difficult to not pick up the phone when he called. A month went by with no communication at all. It was the weekend and she was again home by herself. There was a knock at her door. She wasn’t expecting anyone. She went to the door to find a delivery of a dozen long stemmed red roses. The card attached simply read, “I miss you”. She began to cry. How strong could she be and for how long? She missed him so badly. It would be so easy to fall back into the routine they had been living. She remembered the last night they spent together, the last kiss. It was hard to decide which was worse, living without him, or living without the promise of a future.
Another month passed. It had now been a year since he moved away. Since she didn’t take his phone calls, he continued to send emails. She didn’t respond, but at least she could read how he was doing. She knew, for her own good, she shouldn’t be reading the messages at all. He asked her over and over to consider coming to visit him again. Once again, he expected her to be the one to visit him and he sacrifices nothing. The temptation was high, but somehow she continued to hold out.
Finally, the day came when something happened she never thought would happen. She received a card in the mail from him. On the front of the card was a post-it note that said “There are 5 emergency $100 bills in my closet for a plane ticket to Chicago the day you say let’s get back in touch”. She smiled and cried in disbelief that he was willing to come to her this time. What was written inside the card shocked her even more. Inside, he explained how he didn’t want to live without her anymore. He admitted he had been too scared for her to move to New York, afraid that if she were there, things would go back to the way they were when they both lived in Chicago. Their visits were always so much fun and there was no fighting. He didn’t want to spoil that. He told her after thinking it through, he realized he was ready to put forth the effort to make their relationship work everyday, not just every visit, and he wanted her to live with him. Not just in New York, but with him in his new home. He wanted to come to Chicago to help her pack and move her back with him. These words were everything she had wanted to hear for so long now. She called him on the phone and said the five words, “Let’s get back in touch”. She began to laugh and cry at the same time. He told her just how much he loved her and how he had missed her so much. He asked “Is tomorrow too soon?“ She cried “Tomorrow isn’t soon enough!“ Both in tears they said goodbye, excited about what a huge step they had just taken for their love.
The next day he arrived at her apartment with roses in hand. When she opened the door, all her dreams came true. On one knee, he handed her the roses, then opened a jewelry box and asked her to marry him. She began crying and said yes. He held her tight and told her that this time it would be forever and they would never be apart again.
Sometimes having hope makes all the difference.
by Gabriellah
Posted by Melissa at 9:25 AM
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome 2010!
I've decided to start a blog for 2010. I chose the name "The Garden of My Soul" because I envision this as a place I can share my experiences and my thoughts. Or I may reflect back on memories of the past. All of these things make up a part of my soul, of who I am today, and who I am becoming. So, just like a beautiful flower garden that someone shares with others, I want to share my thoughts with you. I also see it as a place that I may use as therapy. Freeing your thoughts can sometimes be a wonderful way of freeing yourself.
I welcome 2010 with hope for a wonderful year full of exciting things to come.
Posted by Melissa at 9:17 PM
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
